Clarification

I think something happens to your brain in that first year of Junior High or Middle School. People become declarers. Nothing can just be said, quietly. It must be shouted and told to everyone of slight acquaintance. It only follows that sometimes you misrepresent yourself.
In seventh grade, things opened up for me. I met people that were artistic in the ways I was artistic. I assembled friends that were handpicked. There was power in that. But things were getting bigger for everyone else too. It triggered a kind of "landcraze" for lack of a better term. Everyone was trying to establish themselves as something unique. Hence the declarations.
Going into Junior High, I was fairly well established within myself. I knew what I liked and what I didn't. I was good at English and Music and Art. I was not good at things like Science, or Math or anything analytical. I didn't really feel the compulsion to spell most things out.
Except when it came to relationships.
For some weird reason, I felt a manic determination to let everyone know that I did not like "Nice boys". Things like "Brutally honest" "Mean" and "edgy" were thrown around when I talked about what I liked in guys.
I kind of screwed the pooch on that one.
Because words like those make me sound like I'm into the "Bad Boys". Which I'm really not. I'm into honest, sincere boys, that will not fluff up the truth. Who will tell me exactly what they think of me and why and who will let me see their minds with clarity.
Also, they must have a wonderful sense of humor, be good with kids, play an instrument, and wear sweaters.
I was selling myself short. Obviously there was more I was looking for, than just "Truthful to the point of painful". More than "Edgy." But I declared myself that way. I made it seem as though I was only looking for one quality.

Another thing I used to parade about was "I'm never going to get a boyfriend". I said it all the time. But (most of the time) what I really meant was this: I'm not ready to date yet. No one I have seen is quite right for me. I'm not right for them.
When people ask me why I don't have a boyfriend, when people joke about my lack of a boyfriend, I say to myself "You brought this upon yourself. These are your very own words thrown back at you" I wish I could go back and tell my seventh grade self to be a little quieter. It would have made a difference, I think.

Going to an entirely new school next year is going to be a really good thing for me. Because I've already been thrown to the bottom of the barrel before, I'm going to be prepared. I'm going to let people find out about me on their own, without me just coming out and telling them. In Junior High, I've learned how to do that. And I am grateful for that.