The Spring of Me

It's been a long while hasn't it?
I'm very tired. It's the end of the semester, nearly, and almost Christmas too. I am not prepared for either event.
I feel like I am holding on to things by the tips of my fingers. Whereas I used to be able to plan things weeks in advance, I find that now, at most, I can only give myself two days. I never know what is going to come up, what pressing issue will derail me.
I'm an adult now, technically, but I don't feel like one. In fact, I feel more like a child than I have in years. I'm just kind of groping around for the right ideas, and practices, hoping that what I find will be alright, and not too costly, should they fail me.
It's not as bad as I'm making it sound. It's also exciting and empowering. It's just that I am used to being on top of my game, and completely in control. I've gotten too used to the security of it. Now, when everything is so profoundly shaken up, I find that I have no emergency plans. I'm drawing them up in trembling red ink.
In fact, I should probably be studying for a calculus retake right now. But I just kind of need to think a little. Like I said, I'm pretty tired. Exhilarated, but tired.
There is something infinitely nagging in the back of my mind lately, and I can't get it to go away, though there is much to distract me from it, more important things, I would venture. But, of course, it overwhelms me. I won't give it the satisfaction of being mentioned here, but I will admit that it is the reason I am writing. I'm combating it with other emotional thoughts, even if my analytical ones will falter against it.
My music, that which not the cello, is driving me crazy. I can't settle into anything. I'm trolling the recommendations of countless friends and pandora, scrabbling to find something to cling to, but I'm not finding anything. Maybe it's just something that I have to be patient with. Still, it frustrates me to no end. I wait all day for my bus ride home, so that I can listen, and then when I settle into the rhythm of the drive home, I find that I cannot listen without clenching my teeth.
I really should study calculus.
God.